Coaching Assertiveness

The topic of assertiveness very often crops up in coaching in some form or other – it is a great leadership trait but also an aspect that everybody struggles with at some point in time or other. Irrespective of whether you are in a position of power or otherwise, at certain times all of us give away our power and allow others to step over us giving rise to a feeling of dissonance, inadequacy and frustration. And when this becomes an ongoing phenomenon, the dissonance and frustration is extreme and it is time to shake off the shackles.

(Acknowledge: GreatLifeCoach)

If you could...

Say No more often...  would you?

Recognize and look after your own needs.... would you?

Be courageously authentic.... would you?

Speak up for yourself.... would you?

Allow people not to walk all over you... would you?

Have more honest relationships... would you?

What a relief it would be to be able to do all the above without actually creating disharmony in the environment? Reflect in-depth and you will find the biggest reason why you sometimes or always give your power away is when you want to please others, when you want to be liked, when you want to avoid conflict.

You are in your current situation because of the choices you have made in your life and work. As you learn more about yourself and the choices you have made, you may realize that a lack of assertiveness sometimes plays an important role in your feeling of lacking, lost-ness or powerlessness. If you wish your future to be better than the past, you need to make better choices and some of those choices may involve being more assertive in the way you communicate with others.

Assertive behaviour allows you to feel self-confident and generally gains the respect of your peers and friends. It increases your chances for honest relationships and helps you feel better about yourself with more self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, improves your decision-making ability and your chances of getting what you really want from life.

Non-assertive behaviour includes avoidance, withdrawal, timidity, deference, submissiveness, fearfulness, and indirectness. Where did this non-assertiveness all begin from?

As children we were probably criticized when we expressed opinions or desires especially if they differed from the opinions of our parents or elders. Effectively we were taught, that what we want is not important – what is important is what other people want and view us. We learned that openly revealing our true thoughts and feelings will lead to rejection. Many of us have become so intent on pleasing others that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves....and perhaps can no longer identify our own thoughts and feelings.

How many of these statements do you remember being told as a child?

·         Don’t be selfish

·         Don’t make mistakes

·         Don’t be emotional

·         Don’t tell people if you don’t like them

·         Don’t be so unreasonable

·         Don’t question people

·         Don’t interrupt

·         Don’t question what elders (read: people in position of power) say

·         Don’t be so direct

·         Don’t trouble others with your problems

·         Don’t complain

·         Don’t upset others

·         Don’t brag

·         Don’t be proud

·         Don’t be anti-social

·         Do what people ask you to do

And on and on...(do add if there are others that I have missed out...)

Well, we were conditioned thus as kids but as adults, we have the power to define our rules that we want to live by. We have the right to choose and define the very same aspects that serve us – many of us lose the script along the way and fail to grow up. We continue to follow the same path that we did as a kid – what’s the point in growing up then?

“When I was little and running on the race track at school, I always stopped and waited for all the other kids so we could run together even though I knew (and everybody else knew) that I could run much faster than all of them! I pretended to read slowly so I could "wait" for everyone else who couldn't read as fast as I could! When my friends were short I pretended that I was short too and if my friend was sad I pretended to be unhappy. I could go on and on about all the ways I have limited myself, my whole life, by "waiting" for people. And the only thing that I've ever received in return is people thinking that they are faster than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself just because I let them and people thinking that I have to do whatever they say I should do. My mother used to teach me "Cinderella is a perfect example to be" but I have learned that Cinderella can go f*** herself, I'm not waiting for anybody, anymore! I'm going to run as fast as I can, fly as high as I can, I am going to soar and if you want you can come with me! But I'm not waiting for you anymore.” 

― C. JoyBell C.