Life Assessment - DIY

The Life Assessment wheel over the following 8 segments of life was posted for a limited time over New Year to help you connect with your life resolutions. 

Please contact me on ruma.biswas001@gmail.com if you need information on that.

Summary:

Career	/50	=	%
Fun & Recreation	/40	=	%
Money & Finances	/40	=	%
Physical Environment	/40	=	%
Personal Growth	/40	=	%
Health & Wellbeing	/50	=	%
Family & Friends	/90	=	%
Romance & Significant Other	/40	=	%

DIY - Professional Assessment

This is a Do-It-Yourself Assessment of your professional life. 

Print out this post and draw your professional wheel to see how bumpy or smooth it is...

This post has been removed - it was published for a short duration as a promotion. 

If you need further information, contact ruma.biswas001@gmail.com 

Coaching Assertiveness

The topic of assertiveness very often crops up in coaching in some form or other – it is a great leadership trait but also an aspect that everybody struggles with at some point in time or other. Irrespective of whether you are in a position of power or otherwise, at certain times all of us give away our power and allow others to step over us giving rise to a feeling of dissonance, inadequacy and frustration. And when this becomes an ongoing phenomenon, the dissonance and frustration is extreme and it is time to shake off the shackles.

(Acknowledge: GreatLifeCoach)

If you could...

Say No more often...  would you?

Recognize and look after your own needs.... would you?

Be courageously authentic.... would you?

Speak up for yourself.... would you?

Allow people not to walk all over you... would you?

Have more honest relationships... would you?

What a relief it would be to be able to do all the above without actually creating disharmony in the environment? Reflect in-depth and you will find the biggest reason why you sometimes or always give your power away is when you want to please others, when you want to be liked, when you want to avoid conflict.

You are in your current situation because of the choices you have made in your life and work. As you learn more about yourself and the choices you have made, you may realize that a lack of assertiveness sometimes plays an important role in your feeling of lacking, lost-ness or powerlessness. If you wish your future to be better than the past, you need to make better choices and some of those choices may involve being more assertive in the way you communicate with others.

Assertive behaviour allows you to feel self-confident and generally gains the respect of your peers and friends. It increases your chances for honest relationships and helps you feel better about yourself with more self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, improves your decision-making ability and your chances of getting what you really want from life.

Non-assertive behaviour includes avoidance, withdrawal, timidity, deference, submissiveness, fearfulness, and indirectness. Where did this non-assertiveness all begin from?

As children we were probably criticized when we expressed opinions or desires especially if they differed from the opinions of our parents or elders. Effectively we were taught, that what we want is not important – what is important is what other people want and view us. We learned that openly revealing our true thoughts and feelings will lead to rejection. Many of us have become so intent on pleasing others that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves....and perhaps can no longer identify our own thoughts and feelings.

How many of these statements do you remember being told as a child?

·         Don’t be selfish

·         Don’t make mistakes

·         Don’t be emotional

·         Don’t tell people if you don’t like them

·         Don’t be so unreasonable

·         Don’t question people

·         Don’t interrupt

·         Don’t question what elders (read: people in position of power) say

·         Don’t be so direct

·         Don’t trouble others with your problems

·         Don’t complain

·         Don’t upset others

·         Don’t brag

·         Don’t be proud

·         Don’t be anti-social

·         Do what people ask you to do

And on and on...(do add if there are others that I have missed out...)

Well, we were conditioned thus as kids but as adults, we have the power to define our rules that we want to live by. We have the right to choose and define the very same aspects that serve us – many of us lose the script along the way and fail to grow up. We continue to follow the same path that we did as a kid – what’s the point in growing up then?

“When I was little and running on the race track at school, I always stopped and waited for all the other kids so we could run together even though I knew (and everybody else knew) that I could run much faster than all of them! I pretended to read slowly so I could "wait" for everyone else who couldn't read as fast as I could! When my friends were short I pretended that I was short too and if my friend was sad I pretended to be unhappy. I could go on and on about all the ways I have limited myself, my whole life, by "waiting" for people. And the only thing that I've ever received in return is people thinking that they are faster than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself just because I let them and people thinking that I have to do whatever they say I should do. My mother used to teach me "Cinderella is a perfect example to be" but I have learned that Cinderella can go f*** herself, I'm not waiting for anybody, anymore! I'm going to run as fast as I can, fly as high as I can, I am going to soar and if you want you can come with me! But I'm not waiting for you anymore.” 

― C. JoyBell C. 

It is all about me...

This seems to be a selfish place to start this post with and I invite you to come explore this with me with no judgements whatsover. Since childhood, we have been taught to distinguish between what is selfish and the opposite of that was automatically ‘sharing’. If you flip the coin here for a moment, the opposite of sharing is actually being possessive – is that really ‘selfish’?

You have seen kids playing around and when a kid refuses to share his toys with his friends, his mom automatically calls out ‘Don’t be selfish. Share and play with your friends’. And hence from childhood, we are taught being selfish is a BAD thing. But was that an example of being possessive or being selfish? What if we learnt to distinguish between the two – I actually think since selfish is a more common and easy word, everything is branded as selfish and bad. If you look at the dictionary meaning of selfish, it says ‘lacking consideration for other people’.

Don’t you think it is high time, as adults, we qualified the term ‘selfish’ better? We seem to be stuck in a time machine of our childhood and label anything to do with ‘ME’ as ‘selfish’ and hence bad.

The phrase ‘Me time’ became quite popular because realization soon dawned upon hard working men and women especially juggling multiple responsibilities that they needed this ‘Me time’ to unwind and spring back to action with a renewed energy. Do you know of such people and how many times have you heard others make snide remarks about these people? I am guessing lots…

Stop multi-tasking this moment and ask yourself - ‘What do I want? What can I do today, that will make ME happy and is a meaningful activity for ME? And if I am happy and fulfilled, the people around me are happy. So, how is that an act of selfishness and how is that bad?’

I can almost hear my husband saying ‘Buying a fancy car would make me happy today…’ Sure, by all means, go ahead and do it, if you think that is what will make you happy and is a meaningful activity for you. Well, this is where, as adults, you need to take a call what is meaningful for you…watching TV makes you happy but if that is not a meaningful activity with a purpose for you, you donot feel fulfilled and the happiness is only temporary and short-lived.

I work with people who have this cloak of ‘unselfishness’ so tightly wound around them that they have forgotten to even consider their basic needs of existence. They have become such slaves of doing things for others and in the process losing their own identity, which is a massive source of dissonance , leading to an unhappy or unfulfilled life. The subject of doing things for your own self is so taboo and so alien that when I begin talking about it, it seems like I am asking my clients to commit a crime. That is where I would ask you to really think about the word selfish and ask yourself what is really true here…

I would like to introduce a term here called ‘self empowerment’ – when you are empowering yourself, what is possible for you? From that perspective, when you ask yourself, ‘How have I empowered myself today’, what comes up?

4 aspects of success: Health, Wealth, Relationships and the all-encompassing ME. Successful people are doing what makes them happy and what is meaningful for them. No one else can define what makes you happy or what activity has meaning for you except for you. 

Busting the Acknowledgement Myth...

As per the English dictionary, acknowledgement means ‘acceptance of the truth or existence of something’ or ‘recognition of the importance or quality of something’. In this post, I invite you, to look deeper into acknowledgements in our daily lives.

I know that we all lead super busy lives, we are whizzing through our days, grappling with multiple activities that need to be done RIGHT NOW. So, while we are grateful for the people around us, most people say to me - “How many times can you really say that ‘you are looking great today, you are doing a great job, you did a great presentation, I love you’ and so on....”. True, and if I were to tell you that acknowledgement is really very different from complimenting or praising somebody, would you take note?

Let me illustrate this with some examples...

Praise might be ‘Julie, you performed beautifully on the stage’ while acknowledging would be ‘Julie, your inner beauty shows on the outside too’ or ‘Julie, your attention to detail really shone through on the stage’ – really seeing Julie, the person rather than what Julie did.

Here’s another example: Praise is ‘Saby, good job on the presentation – I am impressed’ while acknowledging would be ‘Saby, your tenacity and commitment really stood out in the presentation’.

It is a nuance but an important one: It says, I see who you are – not what you did.

There is nothing wrong with praise – praise on but cultivate some acknowledgement while you are at it. Acknowledgement recognizes the recipients’ character. You are celebrating their inner strength, and that often helps them see strength they may dismiss or donot recognize at all in themselves.

Acknowledgement feels different from praise - you might startle the recipient and move them in most cases because we are not used to being seen and recognized in this way.

We have heard of great charismatic leaders who have an aura of charm around them – charm is nothing but really seeing the people around you for what they are and what they aspire for and accepting them for who they are...simply acknowledging them in that space with your authentic self.

‘Being connected’ and ‘Charisma’ are 2 of the most touted leadership traits and acknowledgement is one BIG ingredient or contributing factor for both traits. We have heard umpteen stories of Bill Clinton’s charisma, of the connectedness of Jack Welch.

Here’s a different story...

William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were two of the fiercest political rivals of the 19th century. Their epic battles for control of the British Empire were marked by intense animosity that spilled over from the public arena into their personal lives. Ambitious, powerful, and politically astute, both men were spirited competitors and masterful politicians.

Though each man achieved impressive accomplishments for Britain, the quality that separated them as leaders was their approach to people. The difference is best illustrated by the account of a young woman who dined with the men on consecutive nights. When asked about her impression of the rival statesmen, she said, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."

It goes without saying that throughout his career Disraeli always had an edge over Gladstone.

Acknowledgement is not always about seeing something positive, either. It is just about telling the truth about what is going on below the surface with the people around you. “It sounds like you are really overwhelmed and feeling swamped. That must be hard.”

Here are a couple of anecdotes to clarify this further...

Karen Kimsey-House, the CEO of CTI relates one incident as follows:

“A senior executive in my company, new to his position, sent out an email to our faculty about a decision we had made that negatively affected their income. It was not as sensitively stated as it should have been and the faculty was up in arms. So, I acknowledged him: ‘You made a mistake. You blew it. And I bet that feels lonely for you to be a leader that makes decisions and gets judged for it.’ He was so relieved that someone saw his blunder and he didn't have to suffer alone. Then we talked about how he'd repair the damage and I told him I loved him. (I can do that in my company!) Most people would try to pretend it didn't happen. We all grew from that.”

Here is another anecdote from my days in sales....

In a really tense and tight negotiation process with a customer (which had been ongoing for sometime), we had reached a position where we CLOSE or WALK AWAY. There were some 6 key stakeholders in the room completely engrossed in putting our points across and nobody was willing to give an inch. Egos and frustrations were building up (alongwith the cups of coffee) and it seemed like the negotiation was heading towards a possible breakdown and we all were tensed up like coiled springs. One person suddenly made a comment ‘I feel like I am sitting on a bomb and if I get up, the bomb would explode. Does anybody else feel the same way?’ The room immediately heaved a sigh of relief because that’s exactly what the tension in the room felt like and somebody acknowledging that seemed to lift the pressure. Now that the tension was broken, there was a lightness in the room and guess what, we did conclude the negotiations in a win-win scenario.

In difficult situations, just simply acknowledge what is in the space. When it is tense and tight, say “this is hard”. When there is conflict, say “this feels edgy”. When a person is seen and validated in whatever they experience, that compassion grows the connection between the giver and the receiver, sometimes profoundly....

For some, acknowledging might be hard initially and you might need to prepare in advance but with practice, it will come naturally to you and as a result your will see your relationships catapult to a completely different level – that’s a promise. So, continue practising acknowledging and increasing your charm quotient by a notch or two and let me know how it is going....

Smiling - Ear to Ear....

This is a sensation that most of us would be familiar with at some point in time or other, in our lives. I still remember when I won a medal in the 100 metres race in high school (this was out of my comfort zone), I am certain my radiant smile would have dazzled anybody then – the pure unadulterated joy!

If you have kids, you would have seen this dazzling smile that makes your day (I don't have kids myself but I have seen proud parents light up instantly when their kids have this beatific smile on their faces). 

Your memo has been circulated by your boss to the entire organization; Your win has been acknowledged by the CEO; Your work has been recognized as the most innovative in the organization; You have been held up as a model co-worker; Your girlfriend accepted your proposal of marriage/your boyfriend proposed at last; Basically your individual worth has been validated and more importantly accepted – yay!!!

What comes along with this smile is the elated feeling of being on top of the world, anything is possible and also a small thought – I must be looking stupid smiling like this! Others would think I am an arrogant b******, so stop smiling….and we try hard to contain that smile.

This feeling of acceptance is such a powerful stimulant and yet, adulteration is creeping in even there! It is an interesting paradox that while all of us want to be recognized and accepted, most of us donot know where to look or what to say when being acknowledged - the automatic reaction is to play small. 

Imagine the immense opportunity when the spotlight is on you! How can you handle being in the spotlight from your true authentic self without appearing arrogant and also without losing that radiant smile?

Many of my discussions with my clients do focus on acknowledgements - both receiving and giving acknowledgements from a place of authenticity, because that is such a powerful tool for a leader. There is this dilemma that leaders have 'how do you recognize the thin line when acknowledgements go into the territory of overuse/abuse and hence loses its meaning for the giver and the recipient'. (My next blog will look into acknowledgements more deeply).

I like to say acknowledgements are positive energy creators. Whenever you receive an acknowledgement, your first reaction is to do better and with that feeling of walking tall, being confident, you actually DO some of your best work then, and that ear to ear smile is so contagious – spreads the positive energy to others as well. And if receiving acknowledgements is so fulfilling, why not practice giving it as well, once more from a genuine authentic place? Try it on friends and family today....

I am told, we live in a superstitious society where being too happy is a prelude to disaster or celebrating acknowledgements makes us arrogant! Hmm, what is true here?

Imposter Syndrome...

When I joined frontline sales after a stint in delivery and presales, I was doing good but I always had a nagging feeling at the back of mind telling me ‘Oh my God, what are you doing here? You will get found out soon for the fake that you are!’

And hear this, when I joined an MNC directly from campus from my engineering college, there was this voice telling me then ‘You are a mechanical engineer – how will you fit into IT? You are not technically strong like your other counterparts from computer engineering or even electrical engineering – you will get found out soon for the fake that you are!’ Years later, after leading multiple delivery programs, after multiple awards and recognition for my technical skills, there was still this voice telling me ‘you will get found out soon for the fake that you are!’

Thereafter, I left my super successful delivery career and ventured into business development and sales where I had no prior experience. And I landed myself in the midst of some very dashing, smart, handsome sales men, who could talk their pants off and sell anything. Now this voice was stronger than ever ‘Where have you landed yourself – you donot know anything about sales and you are not remotely as articulate as your other counterparts. You are a woman – people donot listen to women in sales. You will be found out soon for the fake that you are!’.

Years later, after a successful sales career in multiple countries, across multiple cultures, being led by and leading some really kick-ass sales generals, after countless CXO and other senior level meetings, I realized that though I have never been exposed as a fake yet, that voice inside me is still hopeful…

It was then that I stumbled upon a startling fact that this voice has got a name – it is called the IMPOSTER syndrome and it is very common among most people (especially the successful ones), in high performance sales people, in high flying leaders, in women climbing fast up the corporate ladder, in entrepreneurs, in performers/athletes/artists going for world recognition and the list is endless. 

So, how did this syndrome help or shackle me? It made me work harder to prove myself, to “cover” up essentially and for the most part I learned to ignore this voice. But I also realized that at a few places it made me avoid taking big risks, made me keep my head down and not be as bold as I might otherwise have been. Now I know this syndrome and I am comfortable with this being my friend - calling it out is the first step towards dealing with this affliction.

The incoming class in Stanford Business School (after a tough admission process) was asked, who among them felt that they were there because the admissions committee made a mistake. Guess, how many students raised their hands? Approx 75% of the students felt they were a mistake and they would be found out soon.

“[I would] wake up in the morning before going off to a shoot and, and think, I can’t do this; I’m a fraud” – Kate Winslet

“At any time I still expect that the no-talent police will come and arrest me” – Mike Myers

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh-Oh, they’re going to find out now. I have run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out’ ” – Award winning author Mary Angelou

Do you have this affliction as well? If yes, how do you deal with it? How do you make it an ally to propel your career or life in the direction that you want?

Being Comfortable with the Uncomfortable...

I wish I was told this when I began my career approx 2 decades ago –

Have you ever felt the urge to go ahead and do something that is hugely uncomfortable to you? Or is the natural path to avoid any task that causes you discomfort eg addressing a gathering, taking a stand as opposed to the general group sentiment, making a decision and the list goes on.

Typically, the questions that arise in our minds are – What will people think? How will I be perceived? What if I fail? What if I am rejected?

In the coaching world, we call these as saboteurs/gremlins – anything that sabotages our natural instinct and inhibits our actions and twists the person we inherently are. So who are you inherently?

Instead of acknowledging the saboteurs, we justify our inaction to ourselves by saying things like ‘I am uncomfortable with this, let’s not create more discomfort’, ‘I will speak when the time is right’ and this goes on….

As leaders, taming your saboteurs and those of your team members are paramount. A simple mantra ‘Be comfortable with what you are most uncomfortable’ can change your career. 

If you are trying to avoid a task, ask yourself what is your comfort level with that task? Make a list of tasks that are highly uncomfortable to you and make it a point to practice doing them every week. Get the uncomfortable tasks out of your To Do list as early as possible every day, so it does not hang upon you like a Damocles sword.

See how it feels and allow yourself to fail. Notice at what point in time you actually become comfortable with the task and see what opens up for you thereafter. What does this do for your leadership?

What does change do for you?

Do you come across people who tell you "you have changed" and you immediately go on the defensive or feel guilty about it?

Here’s the thing – life is NOT static, so why should you be? 

Actually, if someone were to see you after 10 years and tell you “you haven’t changed a bit!”, what would that feel like?

I know I would feel proud that I have held onto my looks, my image and my innocence of 10 years ago…On hindsight though, isn’t it a shame that the world has passed us by and we are still where we were 10 years ago from our persona perspective? 

If we have not added the lines of wisdom on our face, if we have not incorporated the maturity of experience in our behavior and style, we are like new wine in the same old bottle. Tasteless on the inside and same packaging on the outside!

Think about this for a while and ask yourself, What am I missing out on by resisting change?

On the other hand, if you have embraced change with all your heart and body and you are living life to the fullest, and you receive an enthusiastic compliment ‘Gosh, you have changed!’, does that give you a sense of achievement?

At the work-place, change is a tricky subject – I know of an incident where a woman who was hesitant of speaking her mind or speaking at all in meetings (wanted to blend in, instead of stand out) went through a transformation and put herself out there with being more direct and having a paradigm shift with her confidence level at work. Suddenly, she went from a person who meekly did what she was told to being a person who had a mind of her own. 

Leaders at work have a conundrum – how do they deal with such changes in an important co-worker? They would sometimes probably want the meek co-worker back since that is what they are familiar with. On the other hand, why not channelize this new found confidence into challenging her constantly so she can go the extra mile – for herself, for you as a leader and for the organization? 

After all, as a leader, you are expected to constantly address a changing market, changing business demands, changing cost pressures, so why not changing team dynamics?

Leadership is all about constantly changing yourself to adapt to your constantly changing environment!

What is the one change that you would like to make in you today?

Friends Who Say...

If you had friends who constantly tell you again and again ‘You are stupid – nothing you do will succeed’ or ‘You are not as good as the others around you – accept yourself for who you are’ or even ‘You can keep trying but I am telling you, this will not work’, or hmm, ‘Have you considered what will others think if you do this?’ what would you do?

Would you continue to remain friends with them? Maybe, but you would definitely not meet up with them every day. You will avoid them or maybe even fire such friends (if you are courageous). I am guessing, you will not be comfortable with such friends. Who needs enemies when you have such friends, who squeeze the joy out of life....

Yet, when these very same things are told by your internal voices, when you embark upon something, you keep listening to them every single day and also act upon them through inaction. The result? PARALYTIC LIFE!

And these voices grow so big and manifest themselves as Fear of failure, Fear of Rejection, Fear of people’s approval and the list goes on. Have you ever come across this in your day to day life?

Here’s the news – these are the most common paralytic symptoms among all of us and each and every one of us encounter these in our day-to-day lives. It is how we deal with them is the trick. Do we give in and listen to these so-called ‘friends’ or do we fire such ‘friends’ and spring into action?

In my course of work, I continually work with empowered individuals, who have the ambition and the drive and yet the above mentioned ‘friends’ shackle their full power. How to ‘unfriend’ them? People say ‘I thought this was the voice of reason’. Well, think again!

You have the responsibility to live your life – what that means is that you have the power to actively choose your life the way you want it to be. That makes you empowered and the joy of living comes from empowerment. If you choose to be with such ‘friends’, you are choosing but you are not choosing powerfully.

Recognize what is on the other side of the door and what it would be like to live unshackled and powerfully.....