It is all about me...

This seems to be a selfish place to start this post with and I invite you to come explore this with me with no judgements whatsover. Since childhood, we have been taught to distinguish between what is selfish and the opposite of that was automatically ‘sharing’. If you flip the coin here for a moment, the opposite of sharing is actually being possessive – is that really ‘selfish’?

You have seen kids playing around and when a kid refuses to share his toys with his friends, his mom automatically calls out ‘Don’t be selfish. Share and play with your friends’. And hence from childhood, we are taught being selfish is a BAD thing. But was that an example of being possessive or being selfish? What if we learnt to distinguish between the two – I actually think since selfish is a more common and easy word, everything is branded as selfish and bad. If you look at the dictionary meaning of selfish, it says ‘lacking consideration for other people’.

Don’t you think it is high time, as adults, we qualified the term ‘selfish’ better? We seem to be stuck in a time machine of our childhood and label anything to do with ‘ME’ as ‘selfish’ and hence bad.

The phrase ‘Me time’ became quite popular because realization soon dawned upon hard working men and women especially juggling multiple responsibilities that they needed this ‘Me time’ to unwind and spring back to action with a renewed energy. Do you know of such people and how many times have you heard others make snide remarks about these people? I am guessing lots…

Stop multi-tasking this moment and ask yourself - ‘What do I want? What can I do today, that will make ME happy and is a meaningful activity for ME? And if I am happy and fulfilled, the people around me are happy. So, how is that an act of selfishness and how is that bad?’

I can almost hear my husband saying ‘Buying a fancy car would make me happy today…’ Sure, by all means, go ahead and do it, if you think that is what will make you happy and is a meaningful activity for you. Well, this is where, as adults, you need to take a call what is meaningful for you…watching TV makes you happy but if that is not a meaningful activity with a purpose for you, you donot feel fulfilled and the happiness is only temporary and short-lived.

I work with people who have this cloak of ‘unselfishness’ so tightly wound around them that they have forgotten to even consider their basic needs of existence. They have become such slaves of doing things for others and in the process losing their own identity, which is a massive source of dissonance , leading to an unhappy or unfulfilled life. The subject of doing things for your own self is so taboo and so alien that when I begin talking about it, it seems like I am asking my clients to commit a crime. That is where I would ask you to really think about the word selfish and ask yourself what is really true here…

I would like to introduce a term here called ‘self empowerment’ – when you are empowering yourself, what is possible for you? From that perspective, when you ask yourself, ‘How have I empowered myself today’, what comes up?

4 aspects of success: Health, Wealth, Relationships and the all-encompassing ME. Successful people are doing what makes them happy and what is meaningful for them. No one else can define what makes you happy or what activity has meaning for you except for you. 

Busting the Acknowledgement Myth...

As per the English dictionary, acknowledgement means ‘acceptance of the truth or existence of something’ or ‘recognition of the importance or quality of something’. In this post, I invite you, to look deeper into acknowledgements in our daily lives.

I know that we all lead super busy lives, we are whizzing through our days, grappling with multiple activities that need to be done RIGHT NOW. So, while we are grateful for the people around us, most people say to me - “How many times can you really say that ‘you are looking great today, you are doing a great job, you did a great presentation, I love you’ and so on....”. True, and if I were to tell you that acknowledgement is really very different from complimenting or praising somebody, would you take note?

Let me illustrate this with some examples...

Praise might be ‘Julie, you performed beautifully on the stage’ while acknowledging would be ‘Julie, your inner beauty shows on the outside too’ or ‘Julie, your attention to detail really shone through on the stage’ – really seeing Julie, the person rather than what Julie did.

Here’s another example: Praise is ‘Saby, good job on the presentation – I am impressed’ while acknowledging would be ‘Saby, your tenacity and commitment really stood out in the presentation’.

It is a nuance but an important one: It says, I see who you are – not what you did.

There is nothing wrong with praise – praise on but cultivate some acknowledgement while you are at it. Acknowledgement recognizes the recipients’ character. You are celebrating their inner strength, and that often helps them see strength they may dismiss or donot recognize at all in themselves.

Acknowledgement feels different from praise - you might startle the recipient and move them in most cases because we are not used to being seen and recognized in this way.

We have heard of great charismatic leaders who have an aura of charm around them – charm is nothing but really seeing the people around you for what they are and what they aspire for and accepting them for who they are...simply acknowledging them in that space with your authentic self.

‘Being connected’ and ‘Charisma’ are 2 of the most touted leadership traits and acknowledgement is one BIG ingredient or contributing factor for both traits. We have heard umpteen stories of Bill Clinton’s charisma, of the connectedness of Jack Welch.

Here’s a different story...

William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were two of the fiercest political rivals of the 19th century. Their epic battles for control of the British Empire were marked by intense animosity that spilled over from the public arena into their personal lives. Ambitious, powerful, and politically astute, both men were spirited competitors and masterful politicians.

Though each man achieved impressive accomplishments for Britain, the quality that separated them as leaders was their approach to people. The difference is best illustrated by the account of a young woman who dined with the men on consecutive nights. When asked about her impression of the rival statesmen, she said, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England."

It goes without saying that throughout his career Disraeli always had an edge over Gladstone.

Acknowledgement is not always about seeing something positive, either. It is just about telling the truth about what is going on below the surface with the people around you. “It sounds like you are really overwhelmed and feeling swamped. That must be hard.”

Here are a couple of anecdotes to clarify this further...

Karen Kimsey-House, the CEO of CTI relates one incident as follows:

“A senior executive in my company, new to his position, sent out an email to our faculty about a decision we had made that negatively affected their income. It was not as sensitively stated as it should have been and the faculty was up in arms. So, I acknowledged him: ‘You made a mistake. You blew it. And I bet that feels lonely for you to be a leader that makes decisions and gets judged for it.’ He was so relieved that someone saw his blunder and he didn't have to suffer alone. Then we talked about how he'd repair the damage and I told him I loved him. (I can do that in my company!) Most people would try to pretend it didn't happen. We all grew from that.”

Here is another anecdote from my days in sales....

In a really tense and tight negotiation process with a customer (which had been ongoing for sometime), we had reached a position where we CLOSE or WALK AWAY. There were some 6 key stakeholders in the room completely engrossed in putting our points across and nobody was willing to give an inch. Egos and frustrations were building up (alongwith the cups of coffee) and it seemed like the negotiation was heading towards a possible breakdown and we all were tensed up like coiled springs. One person suddenly made a comment ‘I feel like I am sitting on a bomb and if I get up, the bomb would explode. Does anybody else feel the same way?’ The room immediately heaved a sigh of relief because that’s exactly what the tension in the room felt like and somebody acknowledging that seemed to lift the pressure. Now that the tension was broken, there was a lightness in the room and guess what, we did conclude the negotiations in a win-win scenario.

In difficult situations, just simply acknowledge what is in the space. When it is tense and tight, say “this is hard”. When there is conflict, say “this feels edgy”. When a person is seen and validated in whatever they experience, that compassion grows the connection between the giver and the receiver, sometimes profoundly....

For some, acknowledging might be hard initially and you might need to prepare in advance but with practice, it will come naturally to you and as a result your will see your relationships catapult to a completely different level – that’s a promise. So, continue practising acknowledging and increasing your charm quotient by a notch or two and let me know how it is going....