What is your Escape Route?

The other day my friend and I were reminiscing about our college days and my friend pointed out my enormous appetite for fictions during those days and my unusual sleep patterns even during exams. When I was reminded of that, it did strike me odd because I did use to read an inordinately large number of fictions in college and sleep (?) – well, don’t even get me started on that! So what was I gaining from these so-called ‘fruitless’ activities?

Looking back, I loved reading story books right from childhood – the fantasies took me to another world of rich imagination where the mystery, triumph against all odds and the aliveness kept me glued to the books.

Since leaving college I had deluded myself with the fact that I was too busy to read fiction – there have been times when I have not read any fiction for many years and then sometimes I felt the twinge of a cord pulling me towards a fiction. However, the guilt of wasting time in a fiction, kept me away – rather read important stuff like the news, science, fact rather than fiction! So, I tried to do that but that somehow did not resonate with me – the power of fiction kept pulling me incessantly.

So, what is this power of fiction?

Can you imagine what it is like to be the only girl in a class full of 70 odd boys? That was my scenario in engineering college (those days not many women ventured into Mechanical Engineering) - I was a bit of a rebel and quite undiplomatic then, where my ego was as big as anybody else’s and I could play second fiddle to none! And in a class full of hormone raging young boys, most of who came from extremely feudalistic societies/households, you can only imagine the war of the worlds!

I had to shut off the incessant chatter around me so I could focus on my goal of making it through in 4 years of engineering college and I realized fiction gave me that escape route. I also discovered that I relied very heavily on sleep as an alternate therapy. A disagreement with anybody, an intrusive comment at class, something bothering me, I would instantly dive my nose into a book or just go to sleep. My room mates often wondered why and how I slept so much, well, now they know why. Sleep was my escape route and so was fiction.

That set me wondering what kind of escapism is this? It was then that I realized my natural instincts of survival kicked in, in an unimaginable way – sleep delayed my instant reaction and gave me a fresh perspective on waking up. Ever heard of the saying ‘Let me sleep over it…’?

And books took me to a place of aliveness and triumph, which acted as my motivator and renewed my energies or often times even gave me an alternate perspective once I had removed myself from the issue at hand. (Interestingly, I never could read sad books with horrific endings – still can’t).

What is your escape route from anything that is distasteful to you and what do you notice about that? Is that escapism or a way of dealing with the challenges that need you to be better equipped before you deal with it? As long as it is helping you in moving forward, you are doing the right thing. However, if there is dissonance and if you are at the same place where you started, it is time to evaluate your escape route….

When Did It Become OK to Fail?

When did it become all right to fail? When did this paradigm shift happen? I have always grown up with the constant battle AGAINST failure. Study hard so you donot fail; Donot show your emotion so you donot fail in the realm of society; Prepare hard for the presentation – you cannot fail to impress; Study your competition – failing in business is not an option. From these thoughts suddenly, we are thrown into this realm – it is OK to fail….I wonder what is behind that! Is it really ok to fail? Why strive at all, if the accepted norm is – it is OK to fail?

Imagine a baby who is eager to walk on his/her two feet. S/he is probably thinking “Everybody around me is walking and running and I am just crawling, my mobility is so limited –how wonderful it would be to run to that shiny red thing at the end of the room (which people around me say I should not touch) and explore it at will before anybody stops me. Sigh, let me get up on my feet but my bum hurts everytime I fall down and everybody laughs as well – how humiliating!” If the baby decided that he wants to walk and run but is afraid of falling, of hurting and of being humiliated, he would give up on getting up again and again and he would never walk!

We often call going after our dreams as ‘leap of faith’ – wonder why… Our typical journey is we take a leap (somewhere) and build our career and then figure out this is not what I want to do or I want to do more, something is missing and then the opportunity comes up to take another leap (this time with awareness) and we step back – Why? Because we donot want to lose what we already have, we donot want to start at the bottom again (seems daunting...), we have practical obligations in life (mortgages, children, family, our comfort etc etc) or we are just afraid of falling/failing. And then life is up and nobody gets to hear the music within you ever….

If you are one of those who hesitate to follow your passion, it is interesting that you have acquired success, wealth, comfort etc doing something that you are not so passionate about, forcing yourself to give 100%. Imagine what is possible when you follow your passion where you automatically give more than 100%....

I recently met up with a songwriter/music director friend and we were discussing about the struggle and joy of embarking on the path less travelled and the support or non support of people around us. He had a really interesting thing to say – ‘What if I fail – that phrase does not exist for me. There is no ‘what if’ or ‘but’ in my life - I donot give myself any other choice. Music is a passion for me and while many might count the not-so-good days as struggle without success, for me every passing day brings me closer to my goal.’

This observation is so profound – it is so like the child who has to walk/run. For him there is no other choice. There is no ‘what if’ or ‘but’ in the child’s mind – every passing day brings the child closer to the day s/he WILL walk and run. It is not a 'leap of faith' - it is just doing what you are meant to do.

Coming back to when did it become OK to fail, it looks like as babies and as kids, we were uninhibited, undaunted by competition, unafraid to fall down again and again and kept our focus on what we wanted and went after it whole heartedly. 

As we grow up, there are certain things we acquire, ego being the biggest of them who begins to take control of our lives, who begins asking the question ‘what if’. That is our false self, who successfully distorts the image of our life and we fail to make clear distinctions among identity, success and money. Not failing becomes an obsession and the definition of success becomes blurred.

If you look closely, success is about achieving a goal and that is so fulfilling. However, most of us find that, that fulfillment is not the finish line. We never 'arrive' in our lifetime…we move on from one goal to the next and next…so the end state is about reaching a goal and success/failure are just uphills/downhills on the road towards our goal. Hence, it is OK to fail means it is OK to overcome the bump and move on….

What do you notice? If your focus shifts to the goal rather than the end result, and you look deeper into your goal, letting go of associated distracting factors, you will find you NEVER FAIL. Here are some examples of deepening your goal(s):

a)   I want to be the best that I can be (the goal could be: I will add at least 10 more ammunition this month to my artillery to tackle life/career – where am I limiting myself?)

b)   I want to win the contract (the goal could be: I want to win $ X million from this customer within Y months – what else is possible?)

c)   I want to make a lot of money (the goal could be: I want to live my life comfortably and luxuriously and provide for my family – what do I have now? )

d)    I want to provide the best for my children (the goal could be: I want my children to grow up as somebody I would be proud of – what can I do for my children’s growth?)

e)   I want others to look up to me and admire me as a success (the goal could be: I want to be respected and be in a position to give rather than take from others – what does that say about me?)

The same is true for leaders in an organization – if you redefine and focus your personal and professional goals so that they have more depth than just a shallow perspective, imagine the shift you would have in your communications, in your relationships and hence in your business.

I am interested to hear what your goal is….(@ ruma.biswas001@gmail.com)