The topic of
assertiveness very often crops up in coaching in some form or other – it is a
great leadership trait but also an aspect that everybody struggles with at some
point in time or other. Irrespective of whether you are in a position of power
or otherwise, at certain times all of us give away our power and allow others
to step over us giving rise to a feeling of dissonance, inadequacy and frustration.
And when this becomes an ongoing phenomenon, the dissonance and frustration is extreme
and it is time to shake off the shackles.
(Acknowledge: GreatLifeCoach)
If you could...
Say No more often... would you?
Recognize and look after your own needs....
would you?
Be courageously authentic.... would you?
Speak up for yourself.... would you?
Allow people not to walk all over you... would
you?
Have more honest relationships... would you?
What a relief it would
be to be able to do all the above without actually creating disharmony in the
environment? Reflect in-depth and you will find the biggest reason why you
sometimes or always give your power away is when you want to please others, when
you want to be liked, when you want to avoid conflict.
You are in your
current situation because of the choices you have made in your life and work.
As you learn more about yourself and the choices you have made, you may realize
that a lack of assertiveness sometimes plays an important role in your feeling
of lacking, lost-ness or powerlessness. If you wish your future to be better
than the past, you need to make better choices and some of those choices may
involve being more assertive in the way you communicate with others.
Assertive behaviour allows
you to feel self-confident and generally gains the respect of your peers and
friends. It increases your chances for honest relationships and helps you feel
better about yourself with more self-control in everyday situations. This, in
turn, improves your decision-making ability and your chances of getting what
you really want from life.
Non-assertive
behaviour includes avoidance, withdrawal, timidity, deference, submissiveness,
fearfulness, and indirectness. Where did this non-assertiveness all
begin from?
As children we were
probably criticized when we expressed opinions or desires especially if they
differed from the opinions of our parents or elders. Effectively we were
taught, that what we want is not important – what is important is what other
people want and view us. We learned that openly revealing our true thoughts and
feelings will lead to rejection. Many of us have become so intent on pleasing
others that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves....and perhaps can no
longer identify our own thoughts and feelings.
How many of these
statements do you remember being told as a child?
·
Don’t be
selfish
·
Don’t make
mistakes
·
Don’t be
emotional
·
Don’t tell
people if you don’t like them
·
Don’t be
so unreasonable
·
Don’t
question people
·
Don’t
interrupt
·
Don’t
question what elders (read: people in
position of power) say
·
Don’t be
so direct
·
Don’t
trouble others with your problems
·
Don’t
complain
·
Don’t
upset others
·
Don’t brag
·
Don’t be
proud
·
Don’t be
anti-social
·
Do what
people ask you to do
And on and on...(do add if there
are others that I have missed out...)
Well, we were conditioned thus as kids but as adults, we have the power
to define our rules that we want to live by. We have the right to choose and
define the very same aspects that serve us – many of us lose the script along
the way and fail to grow up. We continue to follow the same path that we did as
a kid – what’s the point in growing up then?
“When I was little and running on
the race track at school, I always stopped and waited for all the other kids so
we could run together even though I knew (and everybody else knew) that I could
run much faster than all of them! I pretended to read slowly so I could
"wait" for everyone else who couldn't read as fast as I could! When
my friends were short I pretended that I was short too and if my friend was sad
I pretended to be unhappy. I could go on and on about all the ways I have
limited myself, my whole life, by "waiting" for people. And the only
thing that I've ever received in return is people thinking that they are faster
than me, people thinking that they can make me feel bad about myself just
because I let them and people thinking that I have to do whatever they say I
should do. My mother used to teach me "Cinderella is a perfect example to
be" but I have learned that Cinderella can go f*** herself, I'm not
waiting for anybody, anymore! I'm going to run as fast as I can, fly as high as
I can, I am going to soar and if you want you can come with me! But I'm not
waiting for you anymore.”
